Aunt Flow's Visit to Rachel Alucard
by Amethyst Blackquill
Summary: Rachel gets a visit from her Aunt Flow? Please, God, no... Idea by: Kimmo Kimono Apple Pronger Co-Written by: DarkOneBloodedge and 2EnigmaticWriter2
1. Prologue

Ho-hum, another mundane day, Valkenhayn said to himself. It's not that he didn't take any pride in his job. In fact, he wouldn't trade anything for the honour bestowed upon him.

However, he'd just wish that there was a tiny bit more excitement. Although, he'd wish that the excitement didn't involve Terumi in any way.

It was morning again, so that means it was his master's tea time. Valkenhayn carried on the five finger tips of his right hand a silver tray that held a teapot with a teacup, both with elegant designs.

However, as he was approaching her, something was off. Valkenhayn saw that she was clutching her head while slumped over on the table. Of course, this greatly concerned him. Her health was his first objective and should she be sick, he must do everything in his power to nurse her back.

The vampire could just be in an awful mood, so he decided to take the careful approach,"Good morning, Madam Rachel," He greeted her with pride.

"Good morning? Is it?! WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT IT?!" Rachel practically jolted her head upward and towards Valkenhayn. "You should be more considerate when initiating small talk! When you say 'good morning' to someone who's clearly not having one, you'll come across as rude and inconsiderate! Do I make myself clear?!"

Valkenhayn is taken aback by Rachel's sudden intensity. She was rather abrupt. It wasn't like her to be steaming mad over something so mundane and simple such as a greeting.

"I-Is everything alright, Madam?" Valkenhayn carefully said to not incur his master's wrath.

Rachel dramatically leans backwards on her chair and put the back of her right hand on her forehead as if showing that she's falling faint, "Oh, everything is just wonderful! Nothing quite like a VICIOUS migraine to start your day, eh Valkenhayn!? WELL!? HOW ABOUT IT?!" She screamed.

Valkenhayn was getting a bit disturbed by this, but he knew he had to be as diplomatic as possible to still have a chance to calm his master down without losing any limbs, "Ah, my deepest apologies Madam, but perhaps your morning tea will ease your mind a bit?"

He moves the tray forward for Rachel until it was within reaching distance.

Rachel swipes the tea off Valkenhayn's tray and drinks it all in one go only to immediately spit it out right in Valkenhayn's face. Needless to say, Valkenhayn was wide-eyed when this happened.

"YOU CALL THIS SWILL WATER, TEA?!" Rachel screamed at her butler as she spiked the teacup on the ground. "MAKE IT AGAIN!"

It was not like her to act like a spoiled brat. What has he done to deserve such treatment? Valkenhayn cowers back at his master's odd behavior. Why, just yesterday, she was perfectly okay. Then, Valkenhayn made a realisation that if she's suddenly so demanding and cruel to him one day after being just fine the day before-Oh, no, he thought in his mind.

He took out his pocket watch, and saw that it was indeed that time for her.

"Dear god," Valkenhayn thought.

He made a terrible mistake. How could he be so careless? If he had known much earlier, he would have prepared his weapons to counter this side of the master.

Rachel rushes to her feet, "I've had enough of this. There is only one thing able to rid me of this splitting headache and that is that the disturbingly rugged bum that calls himself Ragna the Bloodedge!"

Valkenhayn lightly raises his hands to try and calm Rachel. He knows that even Ragna doesn't deserve to suffer such torture. "N-Now Madam, I would highly advise against that. Especially considering your current...condition..."

"My condition? What is wrong with my condition?!" Rachel screamed. She was in no mood to deal with beating around the bush, as ironic as it may be.

"Forgive my impudence Madam, but I would ask that you-GAH!"

Rachel cut off Valkenhayn by hoping into the air and driving her forehead into his with brutal force, knocking him out cold.

"Me thinks you should have been more concerned with your own condition you shriveled old prune!" Rachel proceeds to toss Valkenhayn's unconscious form into the rose bushes that's next to the fence near her table.

"Now then, I must away! The object of my amusement awaits!"

Rachel gave out a battle cry before teleporting herself on her way to Ragna.


	2. Slave Drafter

Ragna is taking a casual stroll down the dirt path in the forests in the outskirts of Kagutsuchi. It has been rather uneventful so to keep his legs in shape, he went on routine walks. Terumi has strangely not been active lately, he thought. He wondered why...

Suddenly, a portal opened almost in his face. He jumped back a foot, slightly startled but not surprised. This was only the work of someone familiar with him: Rachel Alucard.

"Oh, hey rabbit," Ragna greeted casually, though confused as to why she just showed up out of nowhere like this.

Rachel slaps Ragna so hard he actually flies out of his shoes. You thought a woman was scary when she's angry? Well, just be glad you're not the one facing Rachel Alucard on her menstruation cycle.

"OWW! What was that for?!" Ragna exclaimed in pure shock while suddenly feeling his toes free from being in his shoes. He couldn't believe the strength she had in that slap. He thought his neck might have snapped from the pure might of it.

"You know damn well what!" Rachel yelled at him.

With that, she just darts off into another portal leaving Ragna more confused than before.

"Huh? Hey! You can't just hit and run!" He yelled out at the air. That was it? That's all Rachel had to say? A slap at and a swear? My God, he thought. Rachel must have had too much sugar in her tea, he thought.

Rachel teleports back with a steaming teapot in hand. Something again, Ragna didn't expect but at least he had a chance to demand some questions.

"There you are! I don't know what you're trying to pull but I-"

Ragna would not get the chance to ask his questions because of Rachel scalding him with the hot tea. He was usually prepared for almost any ambush but...HOT TEA?!

"GAH! What is wrong with you?!"

"I don't know but you should definitely clean that shirt, and be grateful for I will help you." Rachel said, trying (badly) to hide the insidious smirk plastering itself on her face.

There would be no time for questions as Rachel teleported herself and Ragna back to her castle.

* * *

"...I don't even...this day actually started out normal," Ragna said in anguish. He was just going for a walk. What has he done to incur this type of punishment onto himself?

"Enough of your prattle and pop that top off." Rachel demanded while poking Ragna on the nose.

Before Ragna could get a chance to respond and without warning, Rachel yanked on Ragna's coat with all her might, resulting in Ragna spinning out of his own coat like you'd see in a children's cartoon.

"Whoa! Easy rabbit!" Ragna exclaimed while feeling dizzy and discombobulated. He was struggling to not lose his footing.

"There is no tea on this coat..." Rachel said in a rather surprised tone.

"Yeah, no kidding, so can I have it back?" Ragna asked as nicely as he could.

"It is actually quite nice to the touch, I'm surprised..." Rachel mumbled while feeling the texture of the cloth.

"Yeah, so can I have it back?!" Ragna asked again with rapidly lowering patience.

"No, this is mine now."

"HUH?!" Ragna's eyes popped.

Rachel proceeded to wear the coat on over her dress, and despite it being far too big for her, she is quite proud of herself despite looking like a wardrobe disaster.

"There we are, truly a coat worthy of me!" Rachel declared triumphantly while flexing her muscles.

 _"She looks kinda cute..."_ Ragna whispered to himself. _"Wait, what am I saying? She's been running me ragged all day!"_

"Well, what are you waiting for then? Off with your shirt." Rachel demanded while poking at Ragna's chest.

"Wait, but if I don't have a shirt, and you won't give me back my coat I'll be running around half naked!" Ragna stated in futile defence.

"Yes, that's the point, and I am sick of waiting!"

Ragna would have no time to react as Rachel yanked Ragna's shirt off with amazing strength. Suddenly, the air felt cooler around Ragna from having no clothes on his upper-body.

"Goddamn! Really, what has gotten into you today?!" Ragna exclaimed, genuinely frightened. It's like she was under a spell that was causing her to be berserk.

He would get no answer as Rachel wordlessly stared straight at Ragna with a laser-like gaze, specifically at his abs.

 _"_ _My, my. Oh yes. A fine specimen, indeed."_

"Rachel? Are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna get your stupid butler to clean my shirt?" Ragna asked, exasperated and out of breath.

"Hm? Ah yes, but of course." Rachel acknowledge as she snapped her fingers.

She balled up Ragna's shirt that she was holding and tossed it into the rose garden. All those thorns from the roses prickled the shirt. It would be a majorly rough time trying to get it out.

"What the hell was that?!" Ragna reflexively exclaimed.

"Relax, would you? He will get to it when he gets to it. And now, seeing as he is busy, I will require YOU to make me some tea." Rachel said in a demanding tone with a menacing leer.

Ragna wouldn't just say "yes" after all that, "You're actually giving me more shit than usual and now you're asking me for favors?!"

"No, of course not. I am COMMANDING you as your Queen." Rachel countered with venom in her voice.

"Bite me." Ragna rebutted as he crossed his arms while averting his look to the side, away from Rachel.

"In due time, but for now, I suppose you will require some persuasion."

With the snap of her fingers, Rachel teleported Ragna's Blood Scythe away, and in that moment, he felt MUCH lighter.

"H-Hey! Give me back my sword!" Ragna asked in a begging tone. He was feeling more naked the more Rachel confiscated something from Ragna's person.

"I will, AFTER the tea." Rachel grinned at him.

"I...you...goddamn it..." Ragna said in defeat. He knew that there was no winning this war, now. Growling through his teeth, Ragna walked off toward the castle.

"And while you are doing that, I will go fetch a teacup worthy of me so that the mistakes of this morning will not be repeated." Rachel said after Ragna went out of ear range.

* * *

After a few minutes, Ragna returned, still seething anger through his teeth while carrying a tray of tea contained in a teapot and a teacup over a saucer.

"Alright rabbit, I got your damn tea."

Ragna poured the tea in a cup and held it out with his free hand.

"Ragna...how many times were you dropped on your head as a child?" Rachel asked calmly.

Finally, he thought. She was starting to sound like the Rachel he was used to hearing, "Um, I don't think I have. I did take a lot of logs to the head though. Why?"

"Simple...this is not how you present tea to the Queen of the Underworld, knave!" Rachel said with increased vigor in her voice as the sentence went on.

Rachel proceeded to swat the teacup out of Ragna's hand.

"Jeez, that was YOUR teacup you know!" Ragna pointed out as he shook his hand that was previously holding a not-broken teacup.

"You speak as if that is the first teacup I have broken this morning," Rachel snapped back as she scoffed.

 _"_ _Wait. Is she saying that she broke more than one? Never mind, I don't wanna know."_ "Fine, genius, what should I use then?" Ragna said as he placed the tray down onto the table.

"This."

Rachel presented something unexpected for such an occasion: Hakumen's mask. Simply put, she was planning to use Hakumen's mask that she somehow stripped from him as the teacup.

"Whoa, wait, is that what I think it is?!" Ragna's eyes nearly popped out of their eye sockets as he took a few steps back out of being bewildered.

"Considering your mental capabilities I highly doubt it." Rachel stuck her tongue out at Ragna after answering him.

Another score for Rachel, "Well screw you too, rabbit. But seriously, how in the hell did you even get that?!" He had to think it was because of whatever he thought that Rachel was smoking lately.

"It's irrelevant, you buffoon! Hurry now, I am beyond parched!" Rachel puffed out her chest as she made her demands clear.

Without saying a word and not wanting to have his head chewed off, he poured the tea into Hakumen's mask which is Rachel's new teacup while believing he was in a dream since he was actually doing something like this. A question popped into his mind, though.

"So...what does Hakumen look like?" He asked curiously.

"Angry," She replied succinctly.

Rachel took another sip of her tea but scrunched her face up. A second later, she was squinting into the surrounding darkness.

"Something is still wrong..."

"And what would that be?

"I, I just can't get comfortable like this." Rachel started to shake slightly.

"Says the chick who is wearing my coat and making me go topless in her cold ass castle. Why can't I wear anything again?" It was really starting to feel cold around him.

"Hush! My feet ache..." Rachel growled at him.

"Hm? Oh, alright. I'll just grab a chair and you can put them up."

Ragna moved to grab a chair but Rachel caught his wrist before he could even do anything.

"I don't think so," Rachel shook her head at him

"What else are you gonna use as a footstool?" Ragna asked her, confused.

Rachel stared at Ragna intensely with that gaze of hers.

"R-Rachel?" Ragna asked again while trying to avert eye contact with her.

"On your knees, Ragna."

* * *

Jubei had just arrived near the rose garden. He was certain that Rachel was here, considering her favourite hobbies. "Been a while since I touched base with Rachel. Wonder how things are goin' on her end."

Jubei walked into the rose garden to see Rachel, who is wearing Ragna's coat, drinking fresh tea out of Hakumen's mask and using a shirtless Ragna as her footstool. Needless to say, Ragna's face was white with pure fear.

"Wha...boy?" Jubei asked with pure confusion.

"Help me..." Ragna whispered in a tone of desperation.

Jubei looked over at Rachel with curious and startled eyes. She returned his gaze with a bored look at him.

"Rachel, what are ya doin' to the poor kid?"

Rachel smiled before giving her answer, "What does it look like, oh One Eyed Lotus? After many, many years I have finally discovered this one's true potential. I am sorry to say you were wrong on both accounts. He is not the Protector of the Azure nor is he the Destroyer of the World..."

"What's this, now?!" Ragna squawked while feeling the weight of Rachel's boots on his bare back.

"NAY! He is the Stool of Feet! Rejoice with me, seducer of witches!" Rachel said to Jubei, clearly referencing his relationship with Nine.

"P-Pardon me?! Rachel, what has gotten into you?! Where is Valkenhayn?!" Jubei asked while looking around.

Rachel swept her arm out and pointed to the bush that contained his still-unconscious body.

"He is with the roses now..."

"Old man, now I'm not sure about this, but I'm pretty sure she killed Valkenhayn AND Hakumen. Careful, you might be next!" Ragna whimpered at his old mentor.

Jubei, utterly confused, continued to trip on his own words until making a startling realisation, recalling a warning from Valkenhayn should something like this occur. The insanity he is bearing witness to matches up EXACTLY like the warning.

He suddenly became calm, "Ah, now I see. Don't fret none, Ragna. I've faced this challenge many times with Nine. I know just what to do."

"R-Really?!" Ragna asked with high hopes for his salvation.

Ragna foolishly let a ray of hope shine down on his bleak world, for with a smile and a determined nod, Jubei bolted clear out of the rose garden and Castle Alucard all together.

"HE RAN?!" Ragna yelled out with his voice of anguish echoing throughout the surrounding space.

Rachel huffed, "Damn right he did. So help me God if I find a SINGLE cat hair in my garden, we are going to shave him bald. Mark my words, footstool," She declared as she looked down and poked at his back.

Rachel downs the last of her tea in one go and stuffs her (Hakumen's) mask in her (Ragna's) coat.

"Now that will be enough tea for one evening. My feet are now adequately refreshed and require exercise. Come, footstool, we are going for a walk." Rachel declared as she clapped her hands twice.

"Why do I have to go?" Ragna asked, complaining like a bratty child.

"Because, you're Queen, Rache-HELL, has commanded it. Now! Fetch me my shoes!"

"You're wearing your shoes...actually those are my shoes..." Ragna pointed out in a tone of defeat, not having any idea how or when his shoes were snatched from his feet.

"Ah, but of course. This way I will be able to walk twice as long! Gather thy courage, Stool of Feet, we are going on an adventure!" Rachel declared with her battle-cry echoing throughout the spacious night.


	3. Is It Worth It?

Rachel is on a stroll with Ragna (unwillingly) following her through the forest's path. He had no idea where in the world they were going. Rachel is still wearing his coat, and now also his shoes. She had double layers on two parts of her body. How she wasn't melting from high temperatures by now is beyond him.

This day that Ragna was having was the kind of day that he would never even think of having in a thousand years. He was certain that Rachel has finally cracked and is now certifiably insane. However, something Jubei said still rings in his mind. What type of challenge was he referring to when it came to Nine that somehow corresponds to Rachel? Survival of the insane, he hypothesised. What else could it be?

The poor man found himsel thrust in such events. Valkenhayn was knocked out cold and Hakumen is stripped of his mask. Somehow, he is still unscathed and alive and kicking. He had no idea why, but he just is and is currently thankful for that.

Although, he wouldn't be so thankful of being treated like an object, rather than a human being.

But...he had even more reasons to not be thankful for his current situation as while they were walking down the path, they just HAD to run into his archenemy at the most inopportune time. Terumi Yuuki. Needless to say, Ragna was not pleased to see him.

When Terumi caught sight of them, he could not believe his eyes. Ragna was half-naked while Rachel was wearing his coat over her dress and shoes over her own boots. He couldn't help himself from laughing, "Ha, ha, ha! What the hell is this?! Hey, shitty vampire, you're doing it wrong. The expression is wearing the pants. Still, not like ol Rags is wearing them either."

Ragna keeps silently motioning for Terumi to shut up. He wanted Rachel to beat him to a pulp, yet he didn't want to deal with two insane people at once.

Surprisingly, Rachel just stood there, staring at Terumi with those glowing red orbs of maliciousness.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" Terumi taunted, unfazed.

"Rejoice, specter! I am feeling sporting! I will give you a moment to reflect on every foolish act you have made in your not life before the hunt begins!" Rachel yelled out to him.

"Huh?! Sporting? Hunt? Not life? What?!" Terumi said, feeling baffled by the sudden nonsensical ramblings coming from Rachel, of all people.

Rachel started to remove the ribbons that were holding her pigtails together. Once they were removed, Rachel's hair fell completely down.

"Hold my ribbons coat-rack!" Rachel demanded as she threw the hair-ribbons on Ragna, who catches them clumsily.

"Coat-rack? I thought I was supposed to be footstool! Make up your damn mind!" Ragna cried.

"You are whatever bit of furniture I deem fit! Now! Five!"

"Five?" Terumi asked, genuinely confused.

"Four!"

"I think she's counting down." Ragna said to Terumi.

"Three!"

"To what?" Terumi asked Ragna.

"Two!"

"The hunt," Ragna answered, not bothering to give any details.

"You're kidding..." Terumi said, not finding what he believes to be a running joke funny.

Rachel cracked her knuckles before giving the final countdown, "ONE!" Rachel

"Did she just crack her knuckles?" Terumi asked, bewildered at how uncharacteristic this was of her.

" **DEATH FROM ABOVE!** " Rachel made a (bad) Tarzan yell as she leaped straight up through the air and then tackled a bemused Terumi to the ground using her plummet from the heavens a high speeds, pummeling his face with her bare fists.

Ragna just stood there with a blank expression, taking in the scene that was unfolding in front of him and the words of anguish that he was spouting.

"AH! AH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BEAUTIFUL FACE?! AH! NO! WAIT! THE HAT! GIVE THAT BACK! AH! SHITTY VAMPIRE! WHAT IN THE WORLD?!"

"This is hot," Ragna could only say as he felt his pants getting tight from watching her reign supreme over the man who ruined his life while listening to the beautiful sounds of Terumi's screams of agony.

He was debating in his mind if it was worth it to be scolded and laughed at by this new insane Rachel for the tradeoff of seeing her absolutely going to town on Terumi as well was watching him be helpless and freaking out.


	4. Food For Thought

Kokonoe is typing away at her computer looking as grim as ever. This was an unusually slow day for the people at Sector Seven. Her robotic assistant (slave) Tager was just busy dusting equipment that was in the shelves further back from the computer terminal where Kokonoe was sitting at.

The silence would be abruptly broken as Rachel's booming voice called out from the closed entrance, "KOKONOE! I'm coming in!"

Rachel somehow barges in through the reinforced steel door with sheer strength. Kokonoe noticed she is wearing Ragna's coat and shoes, along with Terumi's hat. To put very mildly, she is making quite the fashion statement. More appalling to see, however was Ragna being shirtless while wearing her ribbons on each of his ears.

"...I really don't want to know," Kokonoe said with a tone empty of feeling. It wasn't because she was being her usual haughty and snarky self. It was because she had no idea how to express her feelings towards the extremely unusually dressed duo.

"Good call, if you want to keep that brain of yours intact." Ragna said, feeling exhausted from this misadventure.

Rachel points with great emphasis as she told Kokonoe, "It is no concern of MINE what YOU want! I am here to procure supplies to halt the endless flow exuding from my body and perhaps liberate some of your candy. By force if need be! I do hope you force my hand, Kokonoe! I have yet to quell my rage!" She yelled out at her.

A vein popped in Kokonoe's temple, "The hell are you..." Upon realisation, her frustration subsides and she feels a wave of sympathy. Though they didn't see eye to eye, they were sisters in this same struggle, "Oh. I get it, you're looking for tampons. That time of the month, Rachel?" Kokonoe asked her calmly.

In a split second, everything made sense to Ragna, "THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?!"

Now it all made sense to him. He knew that the Rachel he knew would never behave this way. Though he wasn't formally educated, Jubei taught him a thing or two to help him get around. It also made sense why Jubei said that he faced this kind of challenge with his wife Nine before and just ran away. Although, Ragna secretly wished that they'd encounter Jubei again so he can see him shaved bald as payback for ditching him back when he was being used as a footstool.

"You have done it now!" Rachel cried.

Rachel sprinted across the lab and again used surprising strength to lift Tager by his shirt, and throw him across the room into Ragna, sending them both crashing into equipment that was in the process of being constructed. A woman on her period was truly a thing to be afraid of.

"My stuff!" Kokonoe cried out in despair.

Rachel squawked at the sight of Ragna and Tager in a heap, unconscious atop the rubble, "AHHH! Look at what you've done now! Thanks to you I've broken my footstool AND my coat rack! The only payment worthy is your life! That, or unspeakable amounts of chocolate! Answer quickly, or I will take both!"

* * *

 **Thirty seconds earlier...**

Kagura was humming a tune to himself. He was in a good mood and he thought self-made music was appropriate to accommodate it. Suddenly, the ground beneath him began to shake.

"Wh-What the-!? Are we being attacked?!" Kagura exclaimed while gaining his footing.

Then shortly, he heard Rachel's shriek coming from a distance. When he squinted down the hallway, he found that the door leading into Kokonoe's lab was destroyed.

Kagura rushed down after hearing all this peculiar commotion. Once he went through the destroyed door, he saw Tager lying in the still-smoking pile of equipment while Kokonoe was slumped over her desk, and Rachel slapping Ragna's unconscious form in the middle of it all.

She rotated between slapping and shaking Ragna, "Arise, you arrant fool! You may have failed as my footstool and coat rack, but your redemption is at hand! Be reborn as my pack mule and gather my chocolate!"

What a spectacle that Kagura just stumbled upon. He found Rachel Alucard just acting like a child, it was really scary. Scary? He thought that if Rachel was acting this unusual, it had to have been one thing... "M-M-Madam Rachel? Is, is that really you?"

Upon hearing Kagura, Rachel dropped Ragna in place and turned on Kagura. Her eyes glowed red as she leered at him.

"Fool! What stands before you is Rach-HELL, Queen of the Underworld and Chocolate!" Rachel gave a bow after introducing herself.

Yes. It had to have been that. Since he can't just leave, he had to calmly handle the situation. His experience talking with women has helped him realise when one is suffering the burdens of the cycle, "Ah! Of course! V-Very sorry. Wait...is that Terumi's hat?" Kagura asked as the gray fedora caught his eye.

Rachel looked down her chin at Kagura while tilting the fedora. "Nay, but a trophy of the hunt!"

Good going so far. Just keep talking calmly, he thought to himself, "R-Right...but, uh, may I ask what happened here, m-my Liege?"

Rachel scoffed at him, "If you must know! After my furniture was felled by Kokonoe's foolishness, I required chocolate as repayment. HOWEVER, she was taking too long so I struck her with what was once a chair. The remains of said chair are to your left. Now I am TRYING to coerce my pack mule back into consciousness as you can see,"

That's it. No more, he thought, "Ah...then I will leave you to that. Later!"

Kagura tries to bolt out of there, but...

"HOLD!"

Kagura froze in place. Knowing how powerful Rachel was, he did not want to incur her wrath.

"You own a motorcycle, correct? You will give it to me!" Rachel demanded.

"M-M-My bike?" Oh no. Was he going to have to use his beloved bike as a sacrifice to remain unscathed?

Her crimson eyes flashed red once more, "Yes, have it prepared and fully fueled by the time I rouse my pack mule for my departure, and should you fail I will personally make sure you never condemn this world with your spawn! Are we clear?!"

* * *

Makoto was strolling down the street briskly walking to gain her exercise for the day, but the screech of a familiar bike roaring toward her made her stop in her tracks, stock still.

"Oh come on. Not him, of all people..."

To Makoto's surprise, the familiar bike comes to a halt in front of her but with unexpected passengers.

"Is that Rachel and...Ragna?" Makoto's eyes popped.

Ragna groaned from the backseat, "Rachel, you can keep my coat, but for the love of God, if we gotta ride this stupid thing, can I PLEASE get my shirt back?! It's really cold!" He struggled to say through his shivers.

She scoffed once more, "Nonsense! These breezes are NOTHING compared to the mighty tempests I am capable of creating! Besides, we are in a hurry!"

"What the hell for?!"

"I AM STARVING! I haven't had a thing to eat in months!" Rachel barked at him.

Ragna gritted his teeth, "WRONG! You just finished eating Kokonoe's entire supply of chocolate, and I would know, because you refused to stop and made ME steer! I can't drive, you know!"

"The chocolate has run its course! I now require variety! Pickles with frosting! Fruit glazed with cheese! Or...or...!" As Rachel turned back to look forward, she spotted Makoto in front of her.

"Uh...Rachel? Everything...OK?" Makoto asked from hearing all of the nonsensical drama happening.

Rachel rounded her head back to Ragna.

"Pack mule!" Rachel addressed him.

"I'm guessing that's me? Well at least I'm a living creature now, really goin' places in the world..."

"HUSH! I have decided to recommence the hunt!"

"Oh yeah? What for?" Ragna asked, knowing that it couldn't be good.

"Fried squirrel." Rachel said with a tone of absoluteness.

"What?" Ragna asked curiously.

"WHAT?!" Makoto yelled both curiously and dumbfounded.

She turned back to look forward and pointed down at the Beastkin, "Yes! And it is an unfortunate day for you, squirrel, but my sporting mood from before has been entirely replaced with a ravenous hunger. Pack mule, charge! If we catch her within the next three minutes I will upgrade your status to lamp!"

"How is 'lamp' an upgrade?! Oh wait, Makoto, run!" Ragna said to her.

Makoto shook her hands at them, "W-W-Wait, hold on! She wants to eat me?! But I'm not just some squirrel. I'm a Beastkin! A Beastkin!"

Ragna shook his head at her, "Forget about that! You just gotta run! She's been like this all day, and I can't stop her. So RUN!"

Makoto shrieked and broke into a sprint as Rachel's foot reached for the gas pedal.

"Tallyho!" Rachel yelled towards the sky.

And the chase was on.


	5. Dusty Tears

The beautiful doctor spotted Taokaka scratching the spines of her books inside the bookshelf, "Tao, honestly, I just finished rearranging that shelf. Go play with something else."

Taokaka moaned out of the agony that her stomach was feeling from no food in it, "But I'm hungry, Boobie Lady! How much longer until the meat buns are finished?"

"Just another minute. Have patience Tao," Litchi said as she was carefully watering her plants.

Suddenly, the sound of a low engine can be heard.

"Nyah? Hear that Boobie Lady?" Taokaka asked as her ears sprang up.

Litchi stopped what she was doing and heard the sound as well, "Ah, yes, it sounds like a motorcycle. It sounds awfully close too..." She said suspiciously as she blinked twice.

Using her ears to guide her, Taokaka slowly moved towards the door since that's where the sound of the motor was coming from. It would turn out to be a poor choice because without warning, the wall Tao is standing next to explodes.

 **BOOM! BLAM! CRASH!**

"MEOW!"

"GAH!"

Taokaka ended up being sent flying along with Ragna, and both crash into the bookshelf, causing it to start falling on their direction. Ragna was quick enough to recover and get out of the way. Tao on the other hand...ended up being crushed into unconsciousness underneath it.

"WHAT?!" Litchi squawked as she watched the doorway turn into a pile of rubble that covered the doormat.

Once all the dust made from the debris and vehicle exhaust settled, a bewildered Rachel atop Kagura's motorcycle comes into view, whom was miraculously unscathed.

The petite blonde didn't even noticed the mess she made by crashing into the doorway because she was too enamored with the sturdiness of the motorcycle, "Huh...not a scratch on it. This is a valiant steed indeed!" Rachel declared admirably.

Ragna, of course, was baffled that Rachel didn't bother to look at the mess she made with her inept driving, "What the hell was that?! The road ENDED Rachel! I'm no driver but I know that you had to turn!"

Rachel stuck her tongue at him, "Bah! I determine the path I take! Not some cocky stretch of pavement!"

After making sure Tao is alright, Litchi turns to Ragna and Rachel looking very displeased, to say the least, "What is the meaning of this?! You just drove into my house!" Litchi said with genuine outrage.

"Be silent, peasant! We are still on the hunt!" Rachel hissed.

Ragna quickly walks to Litchi and whispers in her ear, "It's...uh...she's on her period..."

Litchi felt her frustration subside almost instantly, "Oh! I see! Here, I have something that just might help."

The good doctor ran over to one of her medicine cabinets, took a small container out, and presented it to Rachel.

"Here, Miss Rachel, take a few of these. I promise you will feel much better."

Rachel slowly took the container and glared at it, "This is not a squirrel..."

"Pardon?" Litchi asked as she did not quite hear her response.

Rachel hopped up on the bike, switched on the engine, and then stuck her left foot forward as she drove forward into Litchi's face, giving her a solid kick to it.

"Whoa!" Ragna exclaimed

"Imbecile! I require squirrel, preferably fried! Not this nonsense!" Rachel screamed at a dazed Litchi who was lying on the other side of the room backwards and flat on her back.

Rachel stepped down from the bike, and then chucked the medicine away into the night through the hole made earlier by the crash.

"All I wanted...all I wanted today was a simple squirrel. I have been sure to keep my rage in check but no more! I am done holding back!" Rachel declared.

Ragna felt a chill run down his spine, "You were holding back? Wait, SHIT!" He thought he was about to bear witness to the end of the world...

Rachel threw her head back...

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

...and bursts into tears with a resounding sob.

"Huh?!" Ragna yelled out, confused. Instead of destruction, he got a fountain of tears.

"Yup...mood swings... Another symptom that women on their menstrual cycle tend to suffer from..." Litchi said from the other side of the room, still clinging to consciousness but dizzy.

"Why must fate be so cruel?! Why must I be denied my fried squirrel?! This is agony! RAGNA, WHYYYYYYYY?!" Rachel said with a breaking voice as she struggled to talk through her tears.

"Uh...uh..." To Ragna, it felt like nothing he says or does would stop this torrent of tears from Rachel.

In a sheer panic and suddenly getting an idea, Ragna spotted the meat buns Litchi was making sitting on the table, and then brought the entire tray of them to Rachel.

"H-Here, Rachel! Meat buns! They got squirrel in them!" Ragna said quickly to get her attention.

"They most certainly do not!" Litchi blurted from the other side of the room, still recovering.

"SHUT UP, UNLESS YOU WANNA DIE!" Ragna snarled at the good doctor.

Rachel sniffles, wiping the snot from her nose on her (Ragna's) coat sleeve. She observed the meat buns for a moment before slowly taking one and then having a tentative bite.

"Hmm..." After pondering an opinion for five seconds, Rachel devours the rest of the tray of meat buns in one fell swoop. "Not squirrel, but an admirable substitute!"

Rachel jumped back to her feet, feeling as though her "normal" attitude back.

"Pack mule, quickly! Gather up all of these meat buns and any loose change you can find and we will be on our way!"

He didn't want to be bothering to question things now that her tears were gone, so Ragna steals all of Litchi's meat buns that weren't eaten and the tip jar he saw at a different counter.

"Sorry about this, I'll tell Valkenhayn and he'll come by and fix the place up, promise!" He said quickly.

"Come, pack mule, we're off!"

"N-Now wait just a second! You can't just come in here and-"

Too late, the engine roared and then Rachel promptly took off on her (Kagura's) bike with Ragna in two, leaving the good doctor in her devastated clinic in a smoke of burned fossil fuels.


End file.
